Disclaimer: While I had a blast with this post, I realized while writing it that only Princess Bride fans would appreciate it. Anybody else would simply become baffled. That's OK.
So in my last post I mentioned how useful The Princess Bride is in my day to day life. The lines frequently come to mind at just the right moment and they never fail to amuse me or lighten my mood.
To the person who has never seen this movie I would say to get your hiney to the story now and buy it. Don't rent it. Watch it as many times as it takes to foster an adequate appreciation of its genius.
Allow me to instruct on how to appropriately apply Princess Bride lines so that you, too, can amaze and impress your friends. Or not.
First, let's meet the principle characters.
Buttercup, The Princess Bride. Clearly essential to the story as the title character, but she has no useful lines.
Westley, aka The Dread Pirate Roberts
Vizzini, the Sicilian
Fezzik, the giant
Inigo Montoya, the Spaniard
Miracle Max and his wife, Valerie
The impressive clergyman.
Are we ready to begin? You will need to take notes.
First of all, let's start with a couple of obvious applications.
When a friend is leaving for a great adventure you say in your best New York accent, "Have fun stormin' the castle."
When you're faced with a situation difficult to believe you say, "Inconceivable." If you can, use a lisp so that is actually sounds like "Inconthievable."
When you're at a wedding you imagine the minister is the impressive clergyman and pretend he says things like...
"Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today"
"That dweam within a dweam"
"Tweasure youw wuv"
"Then wuv, twue wuv, will fowwow you fowevaw"
"Have you the wing?"
You laugh on the inside, smile on the outside, and people think you're simply happy for the lucky couple, when in reality you're not paying attention at all. I've endured more than a few tedious and indulgent wedding ceremonies that way.
When you feel that someone is not being truthful with you, run at them and with a Carol Kane squeaky growl yell, "LIAR, LIAR!"
When you have a lot of things to do and friends ask you to join them for dinner or a movie, you say, "I have my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."
When someone's constant rhyming is getting on your nerves (and I suspect that happens a lot), you say "No more rhymethz, now. I mean it." Then you transform your voice into Andre the Giant's and answer, "Anybody want a peanut?"
When somebody fails to meet your expectations and tries to explain to you why, you say, "I do not accthept exthcutheth. I'm jutht going to have to find a new giant. That'th all." or "Did I make it clear your job is at thtake?"
When you're trying to bring a friend up to speed on what's been going on, you say, "Let me splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up." Try to sound as much like Antonio Banderas as you can.
I'll finish with a few good insults that are good to have handy.
"You warthog faced buffoon."
"You miserable, vomitous mass."
"Boo to the queen of slime, filth, and putrescence."
Finally, in my humble opinion, a person never needs a reason to simply draw the sword and recite the following:
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."